Hello, my name is Phaea and I am a Rupaul-aholic. And these are my 12 steps to Ru-covery.
1) We admitted we were powerless over watching RuPaul’s Drag Race—that our lives had become unmanageably fabulous.
Whenever this show is on I don’t just watch it. I LIVE IT. I watch each episode at least twice, including Untucked. I call up my friends to discuss what happened/who we love/who we HATE. I call the man who sells me coffee “girl”, tell my dog he looks fierce and replace the phrases “good”, “cool”, “all right”, “great sex honey” with WERK! I think I am a 6-foot tall glamazon who makes her Queens boulevard a cat walk and not a tomboyish girl with a extensive collection of sweat pants. Halleloo!
2) Came to believe that a sickening Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I’ve accepted the only way out is deeper in. In honor of All Stars I spent money I don’t have to download the past seasons from so that my son and I can watch them together as part of his education. For a two month old he seems to really like it.
He’s heard the word “bitch” 700 times.
3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of RuPaul as we understood Her.
4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our inner T.
All right, I admit it: I have never gone to a live drag show. I am too lazy and sleepy to go out at night and I have been for years. But I really, really love drag queens. RuPaul, you serve me what I want with out having to leave my couch/put pants on. And that’s the t.
5) Admitted to RuPaul, to ourselves, and to another RuPaulaholic the exact nature of our bustedness.
RuPaul. I am not wearing make up right now. In fact, I never do.
6) Were entirely ready to have RuPaul remove all these defects of boogerdom.
I promise I will wear make up next time I go out. And heels at least once in the coming year.
7) Humbly asked Her to remove our bad hemlines (of the mind).
On second thought, isn’t the message REALLY to be our selves? I’ll leave being fabulous to the professionals and stick with my sweatpants.
8) Made a list of all contestants we LIVE FOR and pray that they all win.
Pandora Boxx with your hilarious mugging, the lady/alien that is Nina Flowers, the Queen with a heart of gold aka Alexis Mateo, Latrice Mother Fucking Royale…AH! I love each and everyone of you and I have no idea where my allegiance will…I FORGOT SHANNEL!!!
WHY CAN'T THEY ALL WIN?!*
* Chad Michaels' won. Bleh.
9) Made direct amends to contestants we talked trash about wherever possible, except when to do so would read them or others
Raven. When you first appeared in season two I didn’t get it. I thought you were mean and cold and a little bit scary.
But you know what? I love you! Because you are mean and cold and a little bit scary.
10) Continue to take personal inventory. And don’t fuck it up.
I promise I will try to respect what the judges say even though Santino Rice once compared Pandora’s to a crack whore and Michelle Visage accused Alexis of looking like Hip Hop by way Hannah Montana.
11) Sought through prayer and well blended foundation to improve our conscious contact with RuPaul as we understood Her, praying only for knowledge of Her will for us and the power to love our selves, because IF we can’t do that how the hell can we love someone else? Can I get an Amen?
Lemme get serious for a moment and switch to my preacher voice. This is a show that does not feature mainstream performers. These girls are not trying to be models or America idols or top chefs. They are drag queens! They cross dress for success and take it to the next exotic level of fabulousity. To badly quote Lydia Deetz, they are strange and usual. I myself feel strange and unusual. And I reckon that many, if not all, Drag Race fans also feel a bit different, a bit weird, a bit of an outsider in the mainstream society. And watching this silly reality show shows us…hell, ME…that I am fabulous no matter what. Amen.
12) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to blossoming RuPaulaholics, and to watch and rewatch every episode of RuPaul’s All Star Drag Race/Season V forever.
And may the best woman win!