I love my kid. That means I take him to a lot of kid activities, like (free) music classes and (cheap) sing-alongs. I do this so that he can learn to socialize while learning to love the world of music, which they say is good for the soul.
They are, of course, wrong, because as every parent can attest, listening to these goddamn songs over and over is like having a drill-driver inserted in one temple and out the other and repeatedly turned on. Some of the songs are just irritating because you hear them so much. Songs like:
The Wheels on the Bus (ARE DRIVING ME STRAIGHT TO HELL)
Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes (THE ORDER OF BODY PARTS I WILL STAB MYSELF IN)
If You're Happy and You Know It (NOT ANYMORE, YOU JERK)
The Hokey Pokey (CONTINGENT ON HOW MANY BODY PARTS ARE COVERED. IF ITS WRAPPED UP IN 3, (ARMS, LEGS, WHOLE SELF) FINE. IF WE GET INTO ELBOWS I'M OUT.)
Then there are the ones that come up less often but disturb me far greater. Tunes such as:
This Old Man (Knick Knack Paddy Whack)
This old man (OK.)
He played one (SURE.)
He played knick knack on my thumb (UM, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BODY, OLD MAN)
Knick Knack Paddy Whack (RACIST)
Give a dog a bone (WHERE DID THAT DOG COME FROM?)
This old man came rolling home (WHAT THE FRICK???? IS HE DRUNK? IS HE IN A BARREL? DO WE LIVE TOGETHER? NO NO NO NO NO)
It's Raining, It's Pouring
It's Raining, It's Pouring (FINE)
The old man is snoring (HIM AGAIN???! SLEEPING IT OFF I GUESS?)
He went to bed and bumped him head (FUEL TO THE DRUNK FIRE)
And couldn't get up in the morning (IT'S A COMA! THIS SONG SHOULD END WITH A 911 CALL!)
Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed (COOL)
One fell off and bumped his head (UM...)
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said (DOCTOR? THIS IS SERIOUS!)
No more monkeys jumping on the bed (ABOUT AS HELPFUL AS TRIBECA PEDIATICS...AM I RIGHT???!!)
...and so forth (MY FRIEND BEATRIZ TURNED TO ME AND MENTIONED SHE THOUGHT THIS SONG WAS MACBRE. IF MACABRE MEANS GLORIFYING MONKEY TORTURE, THEN I AGREE.)
Your Are My Sunshine
I HATE THIS SONG SO MUCH I CAN'T EVEN TYPE OUT THE LYRICS. LET'S JUST SAY THAT WHEN IT GETS TO THE VERSE ABOUT WAKING UP WITHOUT THE PERSON THEY LOVE IN THEIR ARMS I AM BAWLING. THANKS, CHILDREN'S SONG.
And yet there are amazing songs that aren't nearly played enough. Songs like Raffi's Banana Phone....
Songs like Disney's All Aboard the Choo-Choo Train...
Songs like The Presidents of the United States' Death Star...
OK, Death Star is not technically a children's song, but I sing it to my boy every night and it's great. Also great? I was at a singalong the other day and the singer covered "I Love Trash" by Oscar the Grouch. That's what I'm talking about. More of that please. MORE OF THAT, LESS OF THE SONG ABOUT THE FIVE LITTLE DUCKS WHO WENT OUT ONE DAY AND DIDN'T COME BACK FOR FIVE DAYS AFTER THE MOM GETS SAD. NO MORE SAD DUCKS.
In other news, this post took me three weeks to complete. Being a mom is hard.